For a few months, I struggled healing a broken heart and I underwent a major burnout in my career. I started going to places but I still felt empty despite new adventures. I needed a more spiritual experience so booked a trip to Thailand to go an a Vipassana retreat.
It was the peak season when I arrived at Wat Pa Tam Wua Forest Monastery. First thought that came to my mind was - "how can I find peace in a place that has turned into a famous tourist attraction?" There were about a hundred meditators but the monastery was big! The 6-hour trip away from Chiang Mai was definitely worth it. It has a lot of space for you to find your own Zen without getting disturbed by anyone. I saw people sitting on the grass, reading books by the pond, and meditating under trees.
For a while, I thought I could just live there. I can finally escape from the real world and never come back. I stayed in a private hut and witnessed a perfect view of the mountains draped in misty fogs and bathed in the soft sunrise each day. I was away from all the noise, and with nothing to think about - not work, not money, nor clothing or food. Everything was provided for free - the beddings you sleep in, the clothes, and even the food. You don't even have to think about what to eat and what to wear so the mind is free to focus on the practice and to admire nature. But don't go here and expect just to relax. There is a daily schedule and rules are strictly implemented in the monastery. For the most part of the day, you have to sit in silence with just you and your thoughts.
To the outsider, meditation practice seems like an effortless and lazy activity. To the meditator, it is painful to endure - especially in the first few hours or days. We had three meditation sessions per day that lasted at least one and a half to two hours each. The objective is not to empty your mind, but to watch your thoughts and detach from them. Watch your thoughts and let them go away. Go back to your breathing, the monk said. Bud (In) - Dho (Out). Once you get the rhythm, it becomes easy. Until the pain of the sitting posture sets in. This is the most difficult part. I had to change positions and moved a lot.
I tried to practice daily meditation practice back at home but was struggling with keeping up with it. The good thing about being in a monastery with other meditators is the daily discipline, the controlled environment, being around other serious meditators, and the monk's guidance on the practice. The day starts at 5:00 in the morning with individual practice, followed by a ritual of rice offering to the monks and then breakfast. I sometimes question the purpose of these rituals - "are they are truly necessary?" Had I joined a cult of mad people looking like zombies and going out of their minds? We had to bow many times to the Buddha statues and recite evening chants of syllables I don't understand. I never wanted to be a Buddhist or a monk, but since we're in the temple, we had to respect and go with their customs. The rituals also teach humility and selflessness. By bowing, we are taught to give up ourselves.
The morning walking meditations were the best part of the retreat for me. I did not have to deal with the pains of the sitting posture. We walked barefoot among the forest grounds and went around the caves with the sound of the birds, the hustle of tree leaves, and the sound of the flowing river streams. Though we already walk in our normal daily lives and the oneness I felt with nature was comparable to the long mountain hikes I have been on, walking with mindfulness - slowly and without hurrying to a destination is a humbling activity that teaches patience and presence. Not looking at the time, not searching for some peaks, but just slowly stepping one foot in front of the other.
The last meal of the day was served at lunch (first was at breakfast). I never thought that I could survive with just two meals a day. One monk reminded us that the real purpose of food is to nourish and energize the body. Maybe most of what I eat back home is really unnecessary and just brought about by boredom. I admit that I eat sometimes just to entertain or distract myself. The same reminder goes for our clothes. Their original purpose is to protect us from the hot or cold weather. How much of the stuffs we own are occupying not just space but also eating up the mental energy that we could have spent elsewhere on other more significant and fulfilling things?
In the afternoon we help in the chores of sweeping the dried leaves on the ground (there are always new leaves every day haha). We cleaned the meditation hall, fed the fish, helped in the kitchen, and washed our own dishes. These are normal daily chores at home where we can practice mindfulness and not just when we are in a monastery.
A coffee break in the afternoon and in the evening provides a chance to interact with other meditators. I observed a few of them writing in journals, which I think is a healthy exercise to process their experience. Though you have the option to wear a "silent" badge if you do not wish to talk to anyone, I was curious and wanted to know why other meditators were there and what they are going through in life that led them there. I met someone who claimed to went deep in his meditation that he started asking big life questions. But I thought, can one really go deep during meditation? Or maybe his mind has wandered too far? In one evening meditation session, I went "deep" and saw myself resuming my daily work and routines back home. I saw myself in a calm and peaceful state. By then I knew I was ready to go home.
I talked to a woman experiencing insomnia and I suggested some of the things I do that help me fall asleep. Meditation can help, but it must be combined with a healthy and active lifestyle. During our Q&A session with the monks, people were asking about overcoming their addictions and even about climate change. The monks would always answer in the Buddhist perspective but I don't really think they can give the answers or solutions to everything. I also made friends with other long-time world travelers and backpackers who are just there to try the experience. Yes, not everyone in a meditation retreat is going nuts or experiencing some life-altering events.
Vipassana retreat is a wonderful experience. I would recommend that you try it at least once in your life. But don't expect it to provide the answer or the solution to all your problems. A meditation retreat, or meditation, in general, can train you to be more loving, kind, and patient, but it should not be viewed just as a means to an end or a way to reach some future enlightenment. Buddhism teaches us that things are transient and impermanent, so the best way to live our lives is to enjoy and focus on each moment. Life is a big monastery and we should strive to be mindful everyday.
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Staying at Wat Pa Tam Wua is free, but you can leave a donation. All costs are covered through donations, and all work is done by volunteers.
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